RiSE Festival

“The freer we are to grieve, the freer we are to rejoice. And as we entertain the depths of both our grief and our joy, the lines and spaces between the two get thinner and smaller." -Mandy Hughes

Today is the first day of RiSE Festival 2019. This time last year, Jon and I were on our way to Vegas to experience what would become the catalyst of my healing journey. I almost cringe as I write that because I think it conveys that one day I will be whole again… but that is simply not the case. What I learned in the Mojave Desert surrounded by thousands of burning flames in the darkness of night is that life can still be beautiful…. dark, deserted and tragic… but beautiful.The light and the dark… the two could co-exist if I allow them their space to do so. If I invite them in.

Before attending RiSE, my counselor asked me to name each of my emotions and picture them at a table together. She said to give each of them a voice and asked what they each would say. Fear. Anger. Guilt. Regret. It all came pouring out as I vividly pictured them at the table. She then told me to picture Joy at the table. “What would Joy say?” she asked. I paused. “Joy would say… ‘I am at the table but it is a very long table. You know… Beauty and the Beast table. I am sitting at the end. Alone. Every time I try to speak I am interrupted. Their screams are all louder than my quiet whispers.”

It had been 71 days of being on this planet without my brother and with each release of a lantern, I let go…. a little. A little bit of the fear, guilt, regret and anger. They all still live inside of me. And they are relentless. I still have my moments of being crippled by each of them … but each lantern began to make a space for something else to come and live inside of me too. I began to learn how to quiet them and to make a place at the table for joy and the beauty the world still has to offer.

I’m still learning. I guess I always will be. When I looked into the vastness of the desert night sky, I realized something. All that light…. all that pain of those around me being turned into light…. it wasn’t enough. It was still a dark night sky. But the darkness could exist with the light. It made space for the light. So maybe it’s okay that the light in me doesn’t drown out the dark. When my brother began his real life in heaven, the light was snuffed out. But people held the torch around me and that light began to find it’s place in the depths of my spirit. Others saw it before I could feel it. Illuminating. The darkness letting the light in.

“The arclight burns if we could only let it in” -Justin Dallriva

“The people who walk in darkness will see a great light; Those who live in a dark land, The light will shine on them.” Isaiah 9:2

Today is 435 days of being on this planet without my brother. 435 times the sun has circled around me and brought me closer to seeing his face again.

At the festival, you receive 2 lanterns, a marker and a mat to sit on. The music and food are amazing… plus the staff is incredibly kind. Afterwards we chatted with one of the staff members and I’ve had the honor of continuing a relationship with them through my photos. They are a part of something really special.

RiSE truly is “deeply personal and powerfully connected.” All of these strangers… so many of them writing letters to their loved ones they had lost. It made me feel less alone. I am humbled and forever grateful for such an experience. It was an awakening and I hope to go again!

Special thank you to my husband for taking me…. and for giving me one of his lanterns. You’re a bright light.

Love + Light, Laurie

Song in Video : “Yellow” by Emmit Fenn (an artist at RiSE)

“Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you” …. ”you know I love you so.”